


Lily of the Green Valley

by FicsForIzuku (ThereWillBeCubes)



Category: The Cat Lady (Video Game), 僕のヒーローアカデミア | Boku no Hero Academia | My Hero Academia
Genre: Anxiety, Crossover, Death, Depression, Suicide, will add more tags as the story progresses
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-16
Updated: 2019-06-16
Packaged: 2020-05-12 18:26:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,356
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19234663
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThereWillBeCubes/pseuds/FicsForIzuku
Summary: BNHA AU with crossover elements from The Cat Lady video game.-After his successful suicide, Izuku is given a choice to be revived, a chance to be the hero he's always wanted, on one condition: bring down five Parasites, people who cause and enjoy the suffering of others.Should he accept, he will be given a gift to assist his mission: Immortality.





	Lily of the Green Valley

**Author's Note:**

> This is something I've been working on for awhile, I'm a very big fan for R.Michalski's/Harvester Games' work, and strongly connected with The Cat Lady.
> 
> The title of the fic is from The Cat Lady OST, a play on the track 'Lily of the Valley', which is my favourite, and all the chapter titles will be the names of other tracks as well.
> 
> -
> 
> Izuku is my favourite character for a lot of reasons, but a few are his perseverance, determination and his selfless spirit. The big ones would be his compassion and his clear anxiety. I can see that if one thing changed in his story, he could have been at his limit, tortured by his desire to help the world in any way he can and at any cost to himself and the apparently insurmountable barrier of his quirklessness, and that could turn on him in the worst way.
> 
> -
> 
> This story will be graphic and heavy.
> 
> Warnings for this chapter:  
> Graphic Suicide/Self-harm  
> Severe Depression/Depressive thoughts  
> Severe Anxiety

_-_

 

 

_Standing by the river I wonder..._

_do I need a stone..._

_no..._

_my heart is heavy enough..._

_it will drag me down for sure._

 

 

-

 

His dream school was supposed to change everything.

 

He remembers standing up, and how his entire body shook with terrible, nervous energy, and trying to tell his middle school class that Quirkless people could go to UA. The rule had been lifted, there was nothing saying he couldn’t attend.

 

The class had laughed uproariously, the teacher doing nothing to quell the common occurrence. Kacchan set off an explosion, the familiar sound filling him with terror.

 

His hero notes burned, tossed out the window with callous distaste.

 

Cruel words that could get Kacchan in a lot of trouble.

 

_‘If you want a quirk so bad, take a swan dive off the roof and pray you get one in the next life.’_

 

They sunk in, as much as he wanted to just brush them away. But he hadn’t. He’d retrieved his soggy notebook and walked home, only to be ambushed by a villain made of sludge. He’d fought back, his body desperate to stay alive, but as his head swam and his lungs burned, and darkness began to creep in, he had the strangest feeling of relief.

 

The best moment of his life arrived when he awoke, All Might himself having saved him.

 

He didn’t deserve such clear, happy feelings. Life made sure to remind him, reality made sure to remind him. Feeling them would only end in unimaginable pain. His dreams hanging by the smallest of threads after the Symbol of Peace told him to be realistic.

 

UA’s general course was realistic for a Quirkless person.

 

And if he worked hard enough, maybe, just maybe, someone would see how he felt, that his dreams could be reality.

 

Izuku thought it would be enough. That it could be enough.

 

To wear the uniform, to have it hanging, waiting, every morning he struggled to wake, eyes heavy from hours of staring at the darkened room as he tried and failed to fall asleep.

 

To put the tie around his neck, be kissed and hugged by his mother goodbye, see the stares on the train, at the teenager wearing the UA uniform and wondering what his quirk might be, what course he’s in.

 

To have aced the written exam and been offered a place. Even if it wasn’t the one he truly wanted.

 

But it’s too hard. It’s too hard walking past the doors that lead to the hero course classrooms, instead heading to his seat in the general courses. Every day, the hop of his heart grows weaker. The soles of his shoes heavier, and he wonders why he liked them in the first place. Izuku’s been wondering that a lot, lately. Why he bothered with anything.

 

His hopes were delusions, just as he’d always been told.

 

It’s not fair, on the others, he thinks. He’s spoken with Hitoshi a lot about their desire to be heroes, and wearing the sports uniform was a dream come true. A chance to prove themselves.

 

The dream turns so bitter as he fails to make it past the first game; already souring in his mouth with each passing day, now rotting and sliding down his throat with every swallow. He’s so happy for his friend, that he’s recognised by the hero class.

 

Izuku looks at them, meeting cold eyes, friendly smiles, and a very familiar sneer of disgust.

 

Kacchan doesn’t have to talk to him anymore, doesn’t need to be near him; Izuku can hear his voice wherever he goes, the words that drip with disdain and hatred.

 

_‘What did you expect, Deku? You’re useless. You’ll never be a hero.’_

 

They said the same thing to Hitoshi, but now Izuku has met someone like him, someone so much like him, the difference becomes all the more stark.

 

‘He has a Quirk, Deku. He can be a hero because he has a Quirk.’

 

What an amazing Quirk it was. He could control others with his mind. It was incredible, really, and he’s told Hitoshi just what he thinks.

 

‘You can diffuse hostage situations with a question, Hitoshi-kun! You can tell villains to simply stop what they’re doing and they will! You could stop so many without risk of damage or harm to another person! It’s such a powerful, versatile Quirk! You’ll be an amazing hero!’

 

‘Thanks, Izuku,’ Hitoshi said, and it had given him a brief bit of happiness to see the smile on his friend’s face. But like every bit, it was gone soon enough, dashed by the voice inevitably sneering:

 

_‘He’s been told he’s a villain because of his Quirk. But at least he has one. He’s not useless. He’s not like you.’_

 

‘You don’t need a Quirk to be a hero,’ Hitoshi had said, kindly. He was perceptive, and Izuku knew he felt the same way, like the darkness in his head could just swallow him so whole he can’t imagine ever seeing light again. That he, too, lay awake at night, in a blue-grey miasma that was still too bright to fall asleep in. Nothing compared to the tar pits bubbling away in his brain. Nothing compared to the static buzzing where calm should be.

 

Izuku gave Hitoshi a smile he couldn’t feel.

 

‘Do you think so?’ he said. Hitoshi nodded, but Izuku knew otherwise.

 

_‘He’s just trying to fool you. Trying to make you think you’re not useless. He doesn’t want to tell you, because he doesn’t want to hurt your feelings.’_

 

Kacchan had no problem telling him the truth. He hurt Izuku’s feelings, crushed his dreams, but it was all the truth.

 

_‘A Deku like you can never be a hero. All Might himself told you that. The greatest hero says you can’t. What does Hitoshi know about it? He’s not even in the hero course.’_

 

The bell had rung and they settled back into class, and the words were heavy, much heavier than Hitoshi’s, and Izuku sunk, lower and lower into the brutal truth.

 

Each night it took longer to escape.

 

The morning came and the sunlight struggled in. Izuku felt the strange sensation of dying while he was alive. Tastes faded, light dimmed. The things he loved felt strange, pointless to pursue. The video of All Might didn’t have the same feeling. It wasn’t sad, it wasn’t bitter. It was the opposite, a numbing in his heart. Sometimes he would cry and cry until his mouth was dry and his stomach heaved. But then the feeling would disappear, and he would be grey again. He’d feel an oppressive nothing.

 

His worries still stressed, prickling and needling at his flesh, and there was no reprieve anymore. It would never get better.

 

_‘Don’t bother, Deku.’_

 

He hugged his Mom goodbye every morning, smiled at her reminder to be safe and work hard.

 

When she said he loved him, he knew it, knew it on the level that he knew the sky was blue. Knew he loved her back, but whatever it was, whatever it really felt like, he couldn’t reach. He couldn’t quite believe her, like it didn’t make sense.

 

It’s like he woke up and the sky was grey, but so was everything else, so what was the harm in agreeing that it was blue? He couldn’t see the blue, but it was there. It was still there.

 

It simply escaped him.

 

_‘You’re so fucking useless.’_

 

The moment he meets red eyes in the sports festival, he feels again. Feels something so keen and painful that he almost cries on the spot.

 

_‘You’re nothing, did you really think you would ever be my equal? You’re a quirkless Deku. Your dreams mean nothing.’_

 

Kacchan is glaring, and all his dreams finally burn up in his furious stare.

 

‘Izuku?’ Hitoshi asks, frowning at him, then Kacchan, ‘are you okay?’

 

It’s all ashes in his mouth. It’s not enough, it’ll never be enough. How could he be a hero that saves with a smile when he doesn’t think he can ever smile again?

 

‘I’m fine,’ Izuku says, lightly, curving his lips in poor imitation. Hitoshi doesn’t believe him, raising an eyebrow.

 

‘You’re crying.’

 

_‘Useless Deku.’_

 

‘Am I?’ Izuku murmurs, scrubbing his sleeve across his face. Across the field he can see Kacchan huff, and his eyes are gone.

 

Hitoshi touches his shoulder, concern etched into his tired face. Izuku wonders if he has the same exhausted pull to his own features.

 

‘What’s going on? Did Bakugou do something?’

 

Izuku shakes his head, mirthless chuckle rasping from his throat.

 

‘No,’ he says quietly, ‘why would he bother?’

 

‘Izuku,’ Hitoshi murmurs, firmer and gentler all at once, ‘tell me what’s going on.’

 

Izuku stares at his friend, his closest friend he’s ever had. If he’s happy about one thing, it’s that he got to meet Hitoshi before he was inevitably accepted into the hero course. He was good, perceptive, just. He had an amazing Quirk. Of course he would be a hero.

 

Like everyone else, he would move on, somewhere Izuku can never go. No matter how hard he tried.

 

_‘You’re just dead weight, shitty Deku.’_

 

Izuku shakes his head, smiling wider, ‘It’s okay, Hitoshi-kun! Besides, you have the next event to worry about!’

 

‘Izuku-’ Hitoshi says, warningly, and Izuku purses his lips, ‘look, I won’t use my Quirk, promise.’

 

‘We can talk later, okay?’ Izuku says, ‘but you need to focus on making a name for yourself right now! Getting people to notice how amazing you are!’

 

Hitoshi frowns. Izuku steps closer and they fold into a hug.

 

‘This is your dream, isn’t it?’ Izuku asks, softly, ‘show them you belong in the hero course.’

 

_‘You’ll never get there. Give it up.’_

 

It’s not enough, and now he was bringing down someone that did have a chance. He was burdening his friend at a crucial moment in his hero career. Selfish, so selfish. Hitoshi was going to help so many. Deku needed to get out of his way. He’d been in the way his whole life. In the way of everyone.

 

‘It’s your dream too,’ Hitoshi says quietly, squeezing him. Deku quivers. He can’t bring Hitoshi down anymore. He can’t worry him with his uselessness. With his dead dreams.

 

‘Maybe next year!’ Deku chirps, plastering the brightest grin he can on his face, ‘I just have to work harder.’

 

Hitoshi’s eyes flick about. Shadowed but so, so keen.

 

‘You just have to show them that general course students can make it in!’

 

A small smile and a nod from his best friend. Deku feels a rush of relief, and it gives him a genuine thing to smile about.

 

‘I’ll give them no choice but to let me in,’ Hitoshi says with a smirk.

 

‘I’ll be cheering for you!’

 

Hitoshi goes with the rest of the winning students to get ready for the next event, and Deku settles with the rest of the general course to watch the future heroes compete. The chatter around him fuzzes, even the raucous commentary doing nothing to cut through the weight settling over him. He wants to see his friend win, he does, but his heart is crying to be down there with them, with the smiling students.

 

Izuku’s brain tries to connect with it, tries to assess how the cavalry battle might go, what teams he expects. It flits through his mind, and dies.

 

_‘No point.’_

 

He’ll never be a hero. He’ll never be enough. He’s filling a space in the general course that a real future hero could have.

 

The UA sports uniform feels like a lead suit, keeping him in his seat, weighing him down, down, down into the darkness.

 

He can’t get out. Maybe he doesn’t deserve to. This is where trash belongs.

 

Mornings come and he can’t escape. He’ll never see the light again.

 

He makes a last note in his hero analysis notebook, pausing at the familiar All Might signature. It used to make his heart jump with joy.

 

Now he sees it for all it is. Marker and paper. A few seconds of a hero doing his job. Nestled in useless notes, useless water-damaged pages.

 

The only thing worth a damn, and he didn’t write it.

 

-

 

‘I’m Deku. I fill a space in the UA general course, where a future hero could sit. I’m unworthy of it. I’ll never be a hero. I’ll always be a burden. All Might himself told me I could never be a hero. Kacchan was right. I am useless.

I should’ve listened to you sooner.

Sorry, Mom.’

 

-

 

UA’s grounds are enormous. Deku knew this from his studies and the maps, but actually walking them was another thing entirely; his body already exhausted from lack of sleep and another long school day.

 

His bag was heavy on his shoulders, but he couldn’t just take what he needed and leave it behind.

 

It was bright yellow, what if someone found it? Deku couldn’t have that.

 

He just wants to disappear.

 

The grounds are cut with roads and paths, but the further he walks, the less open it becomes. There’s all sorts of training grounds and fields, befitting of Japan’s most-famous hero school, honing the best of the best, and they’re incredibly varied. There’s the rescue simulation center, the different Grounds for hero courses, and all sorts of terraformed areas.

 

The one Deku enters is forested, huge and difficult to navigate, easy to get lost in, which is exactly what he needs. It’s thick underfoot with large, twisting roots, the air heavy with loam and greenery. Thorny bushes tear and prick at his uniform trousers, but Deku only feels fleeting remorse. He’s not going to use them again.

 

He pauses at the sounds of hissing. Distressed yowls. A cat?

 

Deku frowns, following the noises, not wanting to leave something behind in pain.

 

He pushes aside the blackberry bushes to find a cat, black body twisted in the thicket, legs tangled up. Poor thing.

 

‘Hey,’ Deku says, gently as he can, ‘let me help you.’

 

Maybe he can do one good thing in his useless life.

 

The cat’s ears flatten, teeth bared, but Deku moves slowly, deliberately. He fishes in his bag, pushing past the boxes to find his pencil case. The scissors are rather worn, but they’ll do the job.

 

Warm yellow eyes watch him as he snips away at the winding thorns, slowly but surely freeing it. The cat hisses when he pulls thorns away, and Deku doesn’t mind the pain as it lashes out, scratching into his hand.

 

‘It’s okay,’ he says, smiling softly, ‘I know you’re scared. I know it hurts.’

 

The cat shifts it’s legs, as if surprised to find them freed.

 

‘Almost there.’

 

He cuts away the last of the thicket, tugging it away, and carefully picks up the cat. It doesn’t scratch him this time, ears swivelling as it watches his face.

 

‘There you go,’ Deku says, placing it on an open patch of forest floor. He expects the cat to bolt, but it just stands there, staring.

 

‘Try not to get stuck again,’ Deku says, ‘I don’t think I’ll be around to help.’

 

The cat blinks, and an old twisting grips Deku’s heart as it’s tail crooks in a friendly gesture, paws padding silently towards him.

 

What harm was there in a few more minutes?

 

Deku crouches, holding out a hand for the cat to sniff. It meows, and he smiles as it rubs its face against his hand. If only he’d been born as an animal, then it wouldn’t matter that he was quirkless.

 

Maybe in his next life.

 

_‘What, given up on quirks entirely, hah, Deku?’_

 

‘I’m glad you’re okay,’ he says, ‘I’m Iz- Deku. I’m Deku.’

 

It meows again, and doesn’t flinch when Deku pets it’s head, scritching gently behind it’s soft ears.

 

He remembers reading cats in the wild don’t meow. It’s something tamed cats retain to communicate with humans.

 

‘Do you have a home?’ Deku asks, not seeing a collar, ‘or where you left behind, too?’

 

The cat blinks. Deku scratches again and it begins to purr, rubbing against him.

 

‘It was nice meeting you,’ he whispers. His back is aching from his backpack, and his calves feel like lumps of wood. The air is turning cool and the sky dark. He needs to act soon. Before dinner rolls around. He’s never late.

 

‘Goodbye.’

 

Deku keeps moving, deeper and deeper, soothed by the silent shadows, until he finds a good spot. Lots of leaf litter, thick roots to rest between. He methodically unpacks his supplies; trowel, bowls, water bottles, boxes of medicine, tarp, then covers his backpack with dirt and leaves, hiding it behind the huge tree. He digs a small hole, for the rubbish once he’s ready, grabs the boxes and begins popping the pills free of their blister packs.

 

Plink plink plink, into the bowl. One by one, everything he could feasibly buy from a month of allowance and old tablets taken from the bathroom cabinet at home, anything his Mom wouldn’t miss. Paracetamol, ibuprofen, allergy medication, codeine painkillers and drowsy flu tablets to send him to sleep.

 

There’s a quiet shuffle of leaves and Deku pauses. The cat materialises from the deepening shadows, two yellow eyes in black fur. His stomach flips uncomfortably.

 

‘These aren’t food,’ he murmurs, pulling the bowl closer, ‘please don’t eat them. They’ll hurt you.’

 

It would be a very Deku thing to do, help something and then kill it soon after.

 

The cat sits, blinks. Deku keeps working, keeping an eye on it as he pops over a hundred tablets into the bowl. The codeine goes into its own bowl for last.

 

And then, as the sun disappears, it’s done. He cracks open the water bottles, and gets to work covering the tarp with leaves and dirt, easing under it, supplies next to him.

 

He stares up at the gap in the branches, at the river opening above, sparkling, gorgeous. Unreachable.

 

_‘Everything is unreachable for you, useless Deku.’_

 

The light from his phone reflects on the retinas of his silent audience, then dips. Pills piled. Ready.

 

‘This is for the best, Mom,’ Deku whispers, and takes the first small handful, pausing as the chalky feeling presses against his lips. Cat meows, padding closer, watching.

 

‘Will you watch over me until I’m gone?’ he whispers, his last request as Midoriya Izuku. Cat settles on his tarp, tail flicking curiously, until it curls up, eyes resting upon his face.

 

‘Thank you,’ Izuku says, dipping his head in a small bow.

 

The pills are dry and lumpy, but they go down with a gulp of water, and as soon as the first mouthful pushes down his throat, a great, wonderful sense of drive fires through his body.

 

Izuku was finally being useful, he was doing something right. His next handful snatched up with quivering fingers, sobs pushed down.

 

‘This is for the best. This is right, I won’t be a burden anymore. I won’t be Deku anymore.’

 

He already feels sick, water and medication filling his empty stomach, but he doesn’t stop. Doesn’t stop until every last pill is washed down his throat.

 

Digestion shouldn’t take too long. The codeine should put him to sleep.

 

-

 

When the cramps start, Izuku realises he should’ve taken it first.

 

He screams, and Cat jumps up onto his chest, ears flat against its head.

 

Pain, pain, pain; pain like nothing Izuku’s ever experienced in his life. Even the worst burn he received from Kacchan, one that didn’t fade for two weeks, it has nothing on this.

 

Nothing on the heat licking his insides, seizing his organs in a vicious, torturous grip. Izuku’s screams turn to gargles as the world spins, liquid and foam pouring from his mouth, limbs seizing uselessly.

 

What he’d known before, that wasn’t the feeling of dying. This was. This, with his body shutting down and his brain unable to process it, every nerve white-hot, no, beyond it, blue-hot, the worst pain in the entire world and he wanted it to end, end, please end, he’d do anything to make it stop, just make it st


End file.
